Have you been married before? Do you remember that spouse's name?

Then you know this problem. You've committed this crime. You've suffered these consequences. You're a male.

Why women don't do it is beyond me, but then most things pertaining to female activities are beyond me. They are creatures of conversation; they bond by babble. Women really do create and maintain their friendships by talking to or at one another. Sometimes they are even listening while they're talking. Men on the other hand bond by throwing round objects at each other or banging tools on metal structures.

Look at those photos of the family reunion. See all the female people chatting away. Where are the guys? In the background there, going for the long pass, or over there with the chain saw by the picnic table. Maybe waaay in the background trying to get the excavator started.

But even with all that talk time and with one eye out for the security of that picnic table and an ear for the excavator engine, I have never known one female person to commit this most terrible of marital vocal gaffes. They don't forget the current spouse's name. Men do.

Let's say you are at a convivial gathering — you have friends over for dinner or you are entertaining the family at a reunion – and you want to show a little kindness to your sweetheart with a comment on her abilities. "Well," you interject, "Carollyne does some amazingly creative work with a power drill and a cedar tree".

Except your sweetheart isn't Carollyne is she. She's Beverly. And everyone knows that, especially her family who are gathered around, mouths now agape. Wriggle out of that one, Houdini.

I have given much thought to this phenomenon, often while lying awake the night following such a miscall, but then our couch isn't designed for a comfortable night's sleep. Why did I call her that? I have concluded that the name just came out of some misfiring of synapses in the aging neural network. But try getting that one credited in the moment of the miscall.

Committing this crime is one of those things that requires restitution on a scale that seems disproportionate to the offence. A simple "Whoops!" will not be sufficient, and because of my history of marital failures, I know whereof I speak. That's one of the reasons I keep a goodly stock of spirits on hand. Offering refills can be a good diversion.

Failing that, I've noticed that calling attention to other events will also divert attention. Things like:

"Oh look, they've got the chain saw/excavator started."