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There is one social convention that has received far too little attention in books on social conventions. Emily Post never gave it space in her admonitions to young brides. Abigail van Burren (of Dear Abby fame) was never called upon to advise on the perils of neglecting it. I can forgive these oversights as the perhaps overly sensitive or overly modest position of the overly consulted, but it is time to set things right. Toilet paper deserves some consideration.

There are only two ways in which to mount a roll of toilet paper, overhand or underhand. You recognize this fact in every public facility. You know at a glance whether the person in charge is an "overer" or an "underer". I believe the procedure is learned early in life as "just the way it's done in our family". It goes into the unconscious procedural memory as the way to hold a fork or a spoon, how to cover a cough or sneeze, how to squeeze toothpaste, where to hide the cookies. You can go into the washroom of any home in North America and you will know immediately if the family living there is an "overer" or an "underer".

I had always thought that everyone on the planet blessed with a life in a society sufficiently affluent to use toilet paper just arrived in the world knowing that all rolls of that product should be mounted in an over-the-top dispensing position. Not so.

Someone, somewhere has done the research on marital strife caused by the clash of overers and underers. If various organizations can fund research into mosquito preference for Limburger cheese odours or fruit bat fellatio or the jumping performances of dog and cat fleas (and they have, really!), they must have surely addressed this issue. If not, then graduate students, here's your thesis study. I know those fruit bats may call for further investigation, but this one has real consequences for marital compatability. 

And while on the subject of animal subjects, some of you with cats know that they can learn - probably by trial-and-error on a rainy winter day - how to unravel a roll of toilet paper. The fact that it is more easily accomplished on an over-the-top roll is certainly a factor in the steepness of their learning curve, but this should by no means be a reason for shiftng the ingrained and perfectly reasonable and indeed recommended procedure of the entire toilet-paper-using world. Shoot the cat. Or at least threaten to. A feline-loving lady of my intimate acquaintance kept a spray bottle close at hand for just such training purpose, and merely moving her hand toward that device was sufficient to dissuade her pet from whatever evil it was preparing to visit upon us - usually something involving claws and upholstery. But, to return to toilet paper mounting. And could we please get our minds off the fruit bats for a bit?

There is a definite transference phenomenon at work in habitual actions so that any other roll dispenser will likely be set up in a similar fashion to that bathroom device. If you have just come from using the facilities in that room of an acquaintance you should be prepared to see the paper towel dispenser in the kitchen mounted in a similar fashion. It's weird, I know. There you are with the pot roast on a fork dripping juice on the counter and you can't put an elbow on the roll to tear off one section. Insane, I know.

There are other other elements of domestic order but they are not as significant. The sequence for cutlery in the sections of kitchen drawers comes first to mind. Knives always on the right or on the left? Big spoons and little spoons side-by-side or separated. Even shoes removed at the door or left on, or the book dust jackets taken off before reading - I know that's a strange one but then I have lived a long time.

Well, most married couples come to agreements on such matters without much discussion. It's the bathroom habits that cause distress. And in that little room, besides that paper roll, there is the big one, the one that can doom a marriage on its wedding night. Do you leave the toilet lid always up or always down