On a lighter (but stronger) note)
One (should be) All You Need
Why do those interlocked facial tissues disintegrate when you sneeze into them? Yours don't, you say? Right, you always pull two from the box because you have learned how flimsy they are. You have also learned that the toilet paper in most public washrooms is so thin you could write airmail letters on it (if anyone still writes airmail letters). My complaint is this: Mopping up after some bodily functions requires tissue with a bit of strength. Softness would be nice also; not everyone was raised using Eaton's catalogues in outhouses.
In 1970s Britain, there was a commodity in government toilets such as the ones at the British Museum which tourists would take home to paste into the photo album right alongside the shot of the Elgin marbles. It would be a couple of sections of toilet paper embossed with the acknowledgement that it was a government product made "by appointment to HM the Queen". It was tough stuff, at least as strong as the paper in those Eaton's catalogues (and yes, I do know). But then the British Empire declined and its toilet paper along with it.
And that decline was felt in the colonies, or at least in the boardrooms of paper companies in the colonies where it was decided (passive voice absolves or avoids personal blame) to make tissues thinner and thinner. It came down to this:
Let the buyer beware of the sneeze or the backside breeze.
Let them get into the habit of always taking two tissues.
Let them require reams of paper off the toilet paper roll.
The more they use, the more we'll sell.
Or words to that effect. And one effect has been a general annoyance on the part of the consuming public - that's us. While kitchen paper towels became softer and stronger and more absorbent, the paper that really needed to be softer and stronger and more absorbent went in the other direction. But not everywhere.
On a recent trip in Europe, I found that some few places had toilets with paper that met all of the above criteria. It wasn't available in every facility and there was no discernible standard for its use. Some expensive hotels had it; others didn't. Some cheap restaurants had it; others didn't. I took to calling it "One'sAll" because one tissue per sneeze and one square or two of toilet paper would be sufficient. I'm sure the proprietors of those favoured locations benefitted from the perspicacity of the employee in charge of ordering paper products for the convenience of their patrons.
I was so overcome that I was seized with poetic inspiration.
One'sAll(YouNeed)
I've got a product crying out
for a market branding name
It came upon me travelling
when certain body functions laid a claim
on my attention, with the need
to smother sneeze
mop spillage up, or wipe
a bottom, stem a bleed
or merely dry the hands
in simple everyday hygiene
necessitating public paper use,
to keep the body dry and clean.
Paper is often set on rolls
or interlocked
but seldom loose
lest that same needy publicÂ
be too wasteful (no excuse),
or even worse, engage
in toting off the stuff
in some petty pilferage.
Recall
how often have you found
as I too often did
that the product under question
was so flimsy, so unsound,
it tattered, frayed or worse,
slid when it mattered most
that it be strong, but soft, nonskid,
requiring many sheets unravelled
quite contrary to intent
just to wipe away some spot
to capture some offending snot;
instead of one piece as it ought
it took a hundred at a shot
in a Tantalus torment
to be tolerated longer - NOT!
For I've discovered recently
on the continent no less
while fingers hesitantly hovered
in a cubicle's recess
over toilet paper roller
wondering what, I must confess,
these Euro-Union engineers
had conceived for my distress.
But, wonder of all wonders, there I found
in great delight and joy profound
that the paper was as sturdy
as some fabric wraparound
(not to be too over-wordy)
yet as soft as eiderdown
to my credulity confound.
Enough! and here's a name I've thought
"One'sAll" describes
the very item that I've got
calling cushy strength to mind
for those who wish in toilet tish to find
a product that will be so ever kind
whilst bodily secretions blot.
One'sAll, one's all you'll ever need
to do with delicacy and speed
the dainty or the direst dirty deed.